Tuesday, August 01, 2006
"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
- Elaine Maxwell -
As Mr. Cheng said today, nothing shall stand in our way to success in the A'levels. Nothing. Time contineously trickles away, bit by bit; every moment, a grain of sand.
What haven't I experienced in this life of mine? Poverty, betrayal, failure, success, hate, love, death and even insanity. What more? I wouldn't say that I'm ready to face the world head on but I am sufficiently prepared to really face myself now.
Kai, you're not yourself. You've not been yourself. You ain't like that! Time to stand up and move on! Trust yourself!
Haha! Life's a bleak picture again - and this time, not because I've backslided or drifted away from God - because of the overflowing emotions that are clouding my mind. Stress sucks. It really sucks. Picture a brain dipped in a pot of boiling oil and thereafter, a brick is being thrown on it and the lid shut tight. Yea. That's how I feel now? Hehex. Jiexin said its stress. Guess so. I need sleep la. I don't really know why I'm pushing myself to engage in so many unproductive study hours. Escapism? I don't think so ba... I hope not. But I know mentally, I'm breaking. I feel myself breaking down physically too. I'm really tired I guess... not cause of fatigue but I guess, of life as a whole.
That red thread of life is all that binds me to this world and its vices. I'm gradually learning to hate the people around me... Bane or boon, I shall not conclude. But I'm discovering more about myself. My capacity to feel, hate, love, give and receive. Life's a stage - the cast enters and exits - the director dictates - we're God's only toys.
Haha. But well, the picture's not that morbid. There are those tiny yet important units that still hold me fast to staying. Four very important people in my life I'd suppose, is good enough a reason for me to look pass all these metaphysical misunderstandings and just appreciate my life for what it is. In no order of merit: Colleen Jiejie, Daddy, Mummy and Yang. They make the difference.
But they alone only serve to hold me. There is an additional unit that makes their holding on worthwhile. Weight, sniew and zest is pumped into the zombified Kai through this unit. That unit is out there... that unit's really, somewhere close to home. When I say home, I'd consider all three meanings of it - my physical home, my internal home which is this heart of mine and of course, my eternal home up there with God. That unit ties all in place. That unit helps me grow and look pass all the confusion.
I guess I can trust once again?
Misunderstandings and oppression now hold no meaning to me. Think what you want but I myself know where I stand. The world will soon understand I guess. Soon. They will soon come to know and then, hopefully, understand.
Meanwhile, I'll strive on with those five significant units that I'll never do without in life. Each one, I hold on to dearly. To myself, I'd say that I can only love and trust these people. No one else. I fear the world. Comfort zone? Hahax. Nahx. Wouldn't say so. It's just doubt. Just these for now and I'll be fine.
The rest of my efforts now shall determine my own future. I respect my teachers and will heed their advises - just put in all I've got and conquer this crappy examination!
Together, we'll touch the stars.
He sees, and together, we'll see through God's grace...
Just as you are His grace.
